Teach Me to Number My Days

In today's technological world, there are tracking devices to count virtually everything. Considering this fact causes great happiness for the math lover inside me. Numbers are everywhere.

How many steps are in my workout routine.
How many calories I've consumed at a meal.
How many likes I've had on Facebook.
How many days in my credit card billing cycle.
How many days until Christmas.
How many days it's been since I posted to my blog.

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've been online, writing for this blog. Here is my overt, non-apologetic defense. A lot has been going on in the last few months, and I've been actively participating in every moment of it.

To recap the highlights... I've watched 3 of my kids graduate: one from middle school, one from high school, and one from college, along with all the festivities associated with each. I've packed, moved, and unpacked in a new house. I've taken a traditional mother/daughter trip, precariously scheduled at the last possible second. I've planned and enjoyed our last full summer and family vacation with all 5 kids still living at home. (Sigh...) I've traveled to the east coast and to the west coast to help my kids transition into the next phase of their lives. I've taught my daughter to drive a car (which means I've also amassed a few more gray hairs). I've helped my other daughter recover from wisdom teeth removal. I've hosted an Australian friend of my son. Oh, and did I mention that I moved, attended high school graduation, and recovered my escapee dog who was roaming the neighborhood in the pouring rain, all on the same day??? That was the same day I think I had an emotional meltdown. I think you get the idea.

And then I took a breath.

I remembered a scripture that took on new meaning for me this summer.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12)

My days are numbered. Your days are numbered.

I began to consider and ponder what that meant. If I were to go to the doctor and he had said to me, "Angie, you have only 6 months to live," how would I approach that 6 months? 6 months is definitely a number of days. To be exact, it's 180 days: a finite, soon-to-be-gone number.

So what is different about my life now as opposed to that hypothetical scenario? My true reality is that I have only a definite, specific, soon-to-be-gone number of days left on this earth. The difference is that I don't know the exact number of those days that I have left. Perhaps it's 20 years, or approximately 7,300 days. Perhaps it's 7 years or only 7 more summers. Perhaps it really is 6 months. 180 days. I do not know the exact number of my days. But I do know that they are numbered.

If you know that you have only a certain number of days to live, it affects your perspective, your outlook, your choices. You realize that each day is a gift, and that we all can make decisions about what is most important and how we choose to spend our time.

This summer, my first born child became a fully independent adult including a having a full-time job, an apartment, and insurance. That's the real indicator of adulthood: not the fact that you have attained to a legal drinking age, but that you have auto and health insurance. Congratulations. You are now an adult.

Additionally, this week my last child entered high school, and I began my 10th year of being the mother of a highschooler. I must admit that I was counting down the days of middle school. Just like toddlerdom, the end of middle school days could not come fast enough for me. Even so, it seemed like just yesterday that I was buckling up a carseat or reassuring a crying infant in the middle of the night.

Then I blinked.

Our days are numbered.

Though that realization of the finite quality of our life is vital, the next part of the scripture holds the most powerful insight for me. When I realize that each day is a gift, God can give me a heart of wisdom to purposefully and powerfully live out each of those days. Not only that, we then get to present that heart of wisdom back to Him, as a good and acceptable gift!

There are so many nuggets of truth I could share or thoughts we could ponder in this line of thinking, but I settled on just a few essentials in gaining the wisdom we need as we number our days.

1. Know your priorities and keep them in focus.

It is important to clearly identify your values, priorities and goals on a regular basis. I generally do this at least once a year, usually during the summer. Without a clear focus, the press of everyday life and busyness can quickly choke out the most important things. For me, that meant that my writing would have to take a backseat to my family this past summer because family is one of my top priorities. Remember: you will miss your target if you can't see it clearly. 

2. Live your life with no regret.

In saying this, I am not suggesting that we adopt the "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we may die" mantra that is mentioned in Isaiah 22 and alluded to in Ecclesiastes 8. As a follower of Jesus, my desires are no longer just for my own pleasure in life. We all have opportunities to serve, chances to love, places where we can engage fully in a God-ordained moment. There is purpose in our lives and impact that we can have while we are on earth. Those are the places I want to have no regret. As I look back, I want to have seized as many opportunities as I can to do what is in my heart, knowing that as I interact with God, he is inspiring and shaping my desires. My job is to follow these passions and priorities, and thus, follow Him.

3. Be in charge of your life, not a victim of it.

In Philippians, Paul said that he learned to be content in whatever circumstance, good or bad. I believe that contentment also has joy attached to it. If my joy is lost for significant periods of time, then I need to seek a solution to regain it. Pain and difficulty in life do come, but the majority of my life should not consist of suffering. In the list of fruit of the Holy Spirit, joy is 2nd on the list. It is essential as we journey through our numbered days. Not everything that happens in your life is ordained by God to happen. Yes, he is omnipotent, omnipresent, and all powerful, but the world we live in and our mortal bodies are subject to the consequences of the fall and of sin. We need wisdom to know when we are not experiencing all of the life that God intended for us, and the courage to pursue it and make changes as needed when our circumstances don't match up.

4. Reflection and gratitude must be a regular part of your life.

I recently read a list of attributes of happy people. Two of the things on the list were time for reflection each day, and expressions of appreciation. Without contemplation, it is sometimes difficult to realize where we should be thankful. Sometimes it is challenging to find something good in a day. That's where the reflection comes in. On the surface, circumstances may seem dark and dismal. As we look deeper, we will find reasons for gratitude.

Wisdom is personified throughout the Proverbs as a sometime elusive woman who, if found, can make a man wealthy and give him life. I hope to attain that wisdom as I number and consider each day. My resulting heart of wisdom is a gift I can then give back to Him.

On Perspective and the Nuthatch

With the recent Arctic weather, I've been thinking a lot about perspective. I think almost everyone can agree that it's cold. But what does that mean, really?

Last year, we moved to Denver, Colorado where winter snows and cold weather are frequent. Having previously lived in California where the summer temperatures could peak at 113° F, we were not exactly prepared for cold. Last week we experienced one of the most frigid days this year with a high of 6° and a low of -10°. Wind chills plunged the relative experience even more. Several days later, the temperatures rose to a high of 27°. That was still very chilly, just below the freezing point. As I picked up my daughter from school, however, she got into the car without her coat and exclaimed in classic middle school hyperbole, "Mom, it's so hot!"

Was it really hot? Of course not. But her perspective had changed in light of her comparative recent experience. I too had shed my wool sweater and scarf. Meanwhile my east coast friends who rarely see freezing temperatures were shivering in their 35° experience.

Experience can definitely affect your perspective.

As I prepared to leave the grocery store yesterday, the young man bagging my 2 carts of groceries offered to help me out. "Thanks, but I can manage," I answered and immediately recollected the days of pushing 2 grocery carts with 5 small children. In those days, I wasn't sure exactly what food made its way into my cart. I was too preoccupied making sure my toddlers did not do somersaults over the cart edge or whether I could make it out of the store without having to change a dirty diaper. Pushing the 2 full carts yesterday was effortless in light of those previous experiences.

For anyone who deals with significant tragedy, the minor irritations of everyday life are pale in comparison. I was made very aware of this a couple of years back when my sister-in-law was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. On one particular day I was blow drying my hair and was slightly annoyed at the extreme time and effort that drying my thick hair required. When my thoughts turned to my sister-in-law and her loss of hair, my perspective changed. My annoyance turned to gratitude.

I observed a wonderful example of perspective by accident in my California home. I often sat outside in the CA sunshine and observed the birds that shared a feeder in my backyard. We were blessed to live on a large isolated track of land, and the wildlife was abundant. I noticed a curious bird one day that captured my attention. It was a species that I later came to discover was the Nuthatch.

Although it is a beautiful bird, there is nothing extremely striking about the appearance of the Nuthatch. The quality that stood out to me was this bird’s ability to travel down a tree headfirst, feet and legs strong enough to support it actually traversing down the tree trunk, vertical and upside down. With a seeming disregard for gravity, this bird is at ease with its mode of transport, descending the trunk while all the other birds are moving up. It is not uncommon to see them literally hanging upside down. The Nuthatch isn't looking upwards or even straight ahead; it is viewing its world from the top down.

I often desire to have this top down perspective, more of a heaven to earth outlook. If we could see things from above our circumstances instead of being deeply affected by them, I believe we could consciously choose to change our perspective. If you have ever looked out the window of an airplane, all of the things that seem so prodigious from the ground like trees, cars, and buildings are insignificant when you are distanced far enough from them.

In addition to its viewpoint, the Nuthatch also takes a different route than other birds. It gets to the same destination, only in a completely opposite way. Because of their approach, they are able to see insects hidden in the trunk that are obscured from the view of the other birds.  This bird is fashioned for a similar experience in life as the other birds.  It simply goes about its daily life and purpose in a unique way.

When we can become comfortable with our uniqueness, realizing that it’s a part of the Creator in us, we are free to fully engage in that aspect of our being, letting God be fully God in us and feeling his pleasure and the fullness of His expression in our earthly vessel. When we can step back and see our circumstances from a different perspective, we are empowered to see things as they really are. Understanding our individuality allows us to be who we really are.

One meaning of perspective is a true understanding of the relative importance of things.

I hope to have the eyes that see those things that are truly important, and to choose a perspective that recognizes and understands their value.

The Orange Blouse

A funny little thing happened to me the other day...

My daughter tells me that I should never say that, because despite my best efforts, things are never as funny when I retell them as they were when they actually happened.

Well, a funny thing did happen to me the other day. But it was also a convicting thing, and hopefully, a lesson that I won't soon forget. It came in the form or an orange blouse.

I attend a weekly study group, and at times, I fall behind in the reading 'assignments.' Each assignment consists of easy 10-15 minute passages of thought provoking material. Today, I was behind, but my early arrival afforded me the necessary 15 minutes to quickly get up to speed on my reading. As parking spaces quickly filled up in the small parking area nearby, I chose an unmarked spot on the outer circle of the parking lot, thinking I could make my getaway easily by leaving only a little space in front of my car.

I settled down with the dregs of my morning java, and opened my book.

Forgiveness.

"Oh this one will be a breeze," I thought. Being raised in the church, I had heard innumerable sermons on the topic, and knew that I was probably an expert on this one. I breezed quickly through the chapter, looking up only when a flash caught my eye. A car was coming towards me (the wrong way) into the parking lot. I looked behind to see that the lot was full, and she was probably going to have to back up in light of the other cars heading towards her.

Suddenly, to my dismay, she darted forward to edge her car towards my front bumper. Closer and closer she came until she finally stopped. There couldn't be more than 6 inches between my bumper and hers. Without attempting to attract attention, I looked behind to see that 4 other cars had solidly parked behind me. I was stuck. Trapped. Pinned in. Done for.

My irritation at traffic issues is probably not unlike many of you reading this post. I watched in stunned surprise as a beautiful, regal woman dressed in a bright orange blouse stepped from the sports car parked nearly touching my family car. She walked back several times, apparently wondering if she had hit my car. Except for the knowing that I would have felt a bump, I was thinking the same thing. Apparently her assessment satisfied her, and she hurriedly walked away.

What to do now? Leave a little note on her car? Take her license plate number? Roll the window down and offer my parking wisdom to her before she escaped? Memorize her clothes and have a few choice words with her inside the building? The chances were good that she was going to the same place I was, so conviction got the best of me, and I decided to wait it out. After all, I still had 2 pages left to read in my chapters on 'Forgiveness.'

The irony of the situation did not escape me. Surely forgiveness does not include traffic offenses, especially by beautiful women who drive sports cars! I walked into the building, trying my best to walk slowly and confidently, while my heart began to be pricked at the internal offense that was building.

The familiar chatter of women greeted me, and I turned to see none other than the woman in the orange blouse. Here's where I would really be slapped with my resolve (or lack of it) for forgiveness. Ok, it was a small thing, but completely blocking someone in? Really? Surely this was not a Christian woman.

The confrontation and internal struggle in my heart was quiet but unmistakable. By the time our meeting was called to order, I had resigned myself to waiting as long as needed until it was time for me to go. This was not that big of a deal, and surely I could be patient. I would know when she left the room. The orange blouse would be difficult to miss.

The usual preliminary announcements commenced, and after short order, our speaker was introduced. She was a prestigious community member with numerous accolades and an impressive list of accomplishments. I was excited to hear from this well of wisdom. We all turned to see her, and to my shock, the woman in the orange blouse gracefully took the microphone.

My internal dilemma grew deeper, and I was glad my secret was safe. No one will ever know, I thought, as I prayed my flushed face wasn't obvious. I settled my beating heart, and listened as she told her story.

During the next 30 minutes, the speaker with the orange blouse, contrary to her position and personality, exposed her own hurtful & embarrassing past, including mistreatment bordering on abuse from a step father. She continued through misty eyes and a shaky voice to confess her bitterness towards him, and finally to express the journey she took towards forgiving the man who had stolen her childhood and her innocence.

Afterward, the table discussions blurred in my ears, and I heard God gently speak to me the parable of the man who had been forgiven a great debt. After receiving this forgiveness, the man went out and demanded a few pennies he was owed by another man, and even had him thrown in jail when he couldn't pay. I did not want my life to be like that of the ungrateful man, forgiven of a great debt yet unwilling to forgive others. What a small thing the parking lot incident seemed to be now in light of the forgiveness this woman had released to her abuser and shared with a group of total strangers.

The pounding of my heart increased as I knew I had to expose my own experience and share my story. This personal exposure would solidify my own conviction and resolve, and perhaps my story could help others too. I had the grace that day when this 'funny confession' I had really was funny. And poignant. And convicting. And memorable.

I'm wearing an orange sweater today, and I think of the orange blouse that imprinted on my heart that day a message of forgiveness. It is not just the big things that need to be washed away, but more often for me, it's the little things. The last piece of gum taken from my purse the day before a big interview. The spilled juice on my freshly mopped floor. The car that parked way too close to me in a crowded lot.

God came to me that day in the form of a beautiful woman in an orange blouse, and spoke a message of forgiveness that I will not soon forget.